Walkin' 6-One-3

You might not remember this if you are under the age of 30, but there use to be a thing call “Full Service” gas stations. Being a full service gas station indicated that besides pumping your fuel, the attendant would also wash your windows and check your vehicle’s fluids. Sounds crazy in today’s society right. We have moved from a society of “Full Service”, to a society of “Self Service”. We actively look for and celebrate ways to serve ourselves. We have self serve drinks, self serve food, self serve check outs at the grocery store, and the list goes on and on. Now, I am not saying these things are bad, but the mindset behind this new concept of business bleeds into our way of life. Society tells us that we need to serve ourselves and that in doing so we are happier and more efficient.

So what is the big deal??? Why is this even being discussed?

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers (People in Recovery), depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. (A.A. Big Book pg 20, italics addition mine)

This is the very nature of success for the person who seeks to live a fulfilled and productive life. Self Obsession is our number one enemy, so the serving of others seems to be the logical conclusion that leads us to victory. If agreed upon, why then is this such a challenge and why do so many fall away?

I have found that Self Obsession’s favorite weapon is amnesia. We so quickly forget where we have come from, what has happened for us, who has helped us, and the means to which we got there. Simply said, “we willingly forget”. This willing forgetfulness is not as obvious as one would think. It comes in the form of justification, manipulation, minimizing, etc. It is a subtle transition that takes place over time. With this transition we find ourselves far off course, and off course in the slightest bit, is still the wrong direction. The Bible constantly uses the term of “remember”. God knows that our natural tendency is to forget so He goes so far as to command us to “REMEMBER” what He has done for us, who we were and who we are now.

So again, why do people succeed or fail? It all comes down to obedience to what we have been told to do. We are instructed in recovery and biblically to focus on the needs of others out of gratitude for what we have been so freely given. If we spend our days looking out for and magnifying the needs of others, then our selfish pride is minimized. But if we take that same magnification process and zoom in on ourselves, then we start to forget all that has been done for us and Self Obsession becomes the voice of reason that we listen to.

Deuteronomy 15:15 says, “You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God redeemed you…” We have been brought out of our bondage for a reason. This reason is not just for self but for the glorification of God and the redemption of those still behind us. By remembering where we came from we are able to fully focus on where we are instructed to go. In life we reap what we sow, or we get what we give.  If we sow selfishness then we reap the harvest of pride, bitterness, loneliness, resentment, misery, discomfort, struggle, and anger. But, if we sow selflessly we will reap or get the harvest of gratitude, love, happiness, joy, peace, patience, wisdom, goodness, faithfulness, contentment and self control.

Remember, our very lives depend upon how we think of and serve the needs of those around us. A full service person is a full-of-service person.

Recently I find myself struggling with serenity. My life hasn’t really officially changed, although there are changes on the horizon, but my outlook on my conditions have. I have found myself angry, scared, frustrated, unwilling, stubborn, lazy, and defeated. The guy who was known for solutions hasn’t been able to see a silver lining anywhere. That was alarming to me! What happened? What changed? Most importantly, how do I get back on track?

As I sat down to read the other night I came across an old prayer, in my A.A. 12&12 book, that I had used early in my recovery to meditate on. It had been so long since I looked at this prayer that I had  forgotten what it said. As I slowly read it line by line I immediately realized the errors of my way. Man had I gotten off track! No longer did I see these petitions lived out in my daily life (mental, spiritual, relational, or practical). No longer did I relate to this form of conversation with God. I had fallen into the trap that most seem to. I had over-complicated a very simple daily exercise and thus created chaos in my own life. Once again I am the source of my own frustration. LOL! I still don’t have to travel to far to find the source of my trouble. 

So as I reread this prayer a few times the power of it’s words began to crystallize.  This short group of statements really has a lot of meat to chew on. The way it is structured, the order of requests, the solutions presented, and the fundamental spiritual values behind it all seamlessly meet together to paint a picture of “health”. The prayer is below and my plan is to break this thing down into digestible pieces over the next week or so. I will share my findings. 

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace;that where there is hatred, I may bring love;that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;that where there is error, I may bring truth;that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;that where there is despair, I may bring hope;that where there are shadows, I may bring light;that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;to understand, than to be understood;to love, than to be loved.For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.Amen.

As I look off the deck I can see Grandfather Mountain in the distance. What a view. The clouds are covering the top of the mountain ever so slightly, and it has created an amazing visual. I catch myself just staring at it, having one of those deep hippy-like moments of thought, “Man, I bet it is awesome up there. The view must be awesome and with the clouds it must be a mystical place”. As I stand there gazing like a mouth breathing Tommy Chong, I hear something right below me in one of the trees. There is something rustling around and now it is moving from tree to tree. I stare a little harder and follow the noise and movement. All of the sudden I see this little squirrel climbing upside down out to the end of this little branch. He grabs a little nut and runs back up the branch toward the trunk of the tree. As I continue to watch, the little squirrel begins eating his nut and enjoying his meal. He does this several more times. I am enthralled with his activity and acrobatic abilities. It’s crazy what this little guy can do. The end….

Well, not really. Simultaneously to watching the squirrel I had a question pop in my head. “Are you paying attention to the lesson?” “What is the lesson?” I ask myself. The answer, “Don’t get so preoccupied with a distant mountain top that you miss the life going on right under your nose”.

Wow, how this applies in my life right now. I mean there I was on a beautiful mountain, in an amazing cabin and with amazing people, unintentionally, wishing to be on a different mountain top. God really spoke to me with this. I don’t need to get so caught up in longing for future experiences that I think I want, that I miss out on the life going on right in front of me.  This must mean that this applies to my career, income, relationships, recovery, ministry, children, and any other part of my life. The reality is that weather I am on a mountain top or in a valley the life around me is unique, special, and important. I need to pay attention to it or I will waste the experiences and wake up one day wondering where it all went. I could end up looking back on the past and regretting the fact that I missed a mountain top experience because I didn’t take the time to notice I was on a mountain.

Think about it. Do we always realize that we are on a mountain top while we are there or do we wait to realize the magnitude of our wonderful position until we come down. Don’t allow yourself to get so focused on the next mountain top experience that you miss the glorious life going on right under your nose. I think I will call this truth “The Law of the Squirrel”.

So I am vacationing up in the North Carolina mountains and of course there is plenty of time to relax, pray, reflect, and think. The gorgeous views and the wonderful weather definitely help stimulate that process. As I sat reading yesterday I came across an interesting verse (or section of verses) in Exodus. Sometimes a verse that I have read a million times before just jumps off the page like it is in bold print and this one did for sure. It was Exodus 20:24 (or 20:21 if you are using a Chumash/Jewish Complete Bible) The verse reads like this….“Make an altar of earth for me, and on it sacrifice your sheep and your cattle as offerings to be completely burned and as fellowship offerings. In every place that I set aside for you to worship me, I will come to you and bless you.” 

What caught my attention was what I would say catches most people’s attention when they read scripture, the word BLESS. That is a great word. I mean who wouldn’t want to be blessed? (funny how we so often breeze right over the curses) So as I sat and pondered this verse I began to wonder, “where is this PLACE that God is talking about? What does He mean by PLACE?” 

Is this place geographical?

Is this place a special environment?

Is this place a type of business?

Is this place a church or office?

Is this place my home? 

What about a mental place?

Or a spiritual place?

Is this a specific place in time?

Maybe it is a special place in my beliefs?

Is this place financial?

Is this place involving my health/food/exercise?

Perhaps this place is verbal? The way I speak?

What if this place is a specific place in my marriage or relationships where I love others?

What if I am this place?

Regardless the answer or answers I can conclude a few things from this. In the earlier part of verse 24 it says, “make an altar of earth for me and on it sacrifice…”. This shows me that this aforementioned PLACE requires the work and sacrifice of building something or someone up to an elevated position. When I do that God shows up with a blessing for me, OR is the blessing the experience I get from what I just did in building something up for God?

I think for me the take away is to answer all the questions mentioned early as YES and then move forward looking for opportunities to build people, places, jobs, thoughts, words, etc up for God. In doing this I can expect huge blessings from a HUGE God. It’s His promise.

I hope someday that I get to see you in one of these PLACES…….

I recently saw a phrase that read “Love your weaknesses”. It caused me to stop and really think. What does this really mean? What does this look like to me? As a person who has struggled with insecurity and codependency, this phrase was unsettling. I mean aren’t we supposed to get rid of weaknesses? As a man I was taught all my life that weaknesses are bad. So why would anyone in their right mind ‘LOVE’ their weaknesses?

If I look at some of my weaknesses like fear of rejection, relationship challenges, communication, finances, IT’ish skills (I suck at computers) and any type of ‘change’; I don’t see things I “LOVE”. So what does this simple, yet complex phrase mean?

When I take a deeper look at these weaknesses I can see something. In all of them there are opportunities. There are opportunities for growth, connection, and victory. Any time I choose to work through one of these weaknesses it will involve me having a stronger connection with God, a stronger connection with others and a stronger connection with myself, as it pertains to my true self.

It is through my weaknesses that my most essential needs are met, when I apply the proper process. Within the character gaps of my life I get to experience the love, friendship, and guidance of God and others.

How do I do this from a practical standpoint?

4 I’s: Identify, Invite, Initiate, and Imitate

I have to specifically Identify what these weaknesses are. Invite an expert in that area (someone with an experience of victory) to help me see what to do. Initiate a purposeful activity that places me in the midst of that fear (Fear of the ocean? Get in the water with a swimming coach). And lastly Imitate what this expert shows me to do as he walks me through it.

In following this simple process I can love my weaknesses because they give me the opportunity to see God work in my life. They give me the connection with others that I so desperately need. I am able to accumulate victory through personal experience. And most importantly, these weakness, when approached properly, bleed out the pride in me that can destroy all the strengths I do have. So yes, LOVE YOUR WEAKNESSES.

2 Corinthians 12:10 ^“Yes, I am well pleased with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and difficulties endured on behalf of the Messiah; for it is when I am weak that I am strong.” (italics mine)

This might look like a joke of a blog and truth be told maybe it is. So I have a childhood fetish that is called I love WWE Wrestling. I love it. I think it is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Throughout the years there have been many great, super hero, like figures pass through the scene. All had great personas and a lot had great catch phrases. Now I won’t bore you with a laundry list of Rock tag lines or Rick Flair Whooos but I will bring up today’s current icon, John Cena. This king of catch phrases has one that strangely enough has a spiritual benefit, “You Can’t See Me”.

In recovery one of the biggest obstacles I encounter is the “SELF”. The problem I regularly face is that when I see the world all I see is “ME” everywhere. I have 3 people I love to focus on, ME, MYSELF and I. This perspective sets “ME” up for big trouble. It’s like the old AA joke. Q:How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A:One, he holds the bulb, and the world screws it in as it revolves around him. 

The process of recovery is a process of removing the “SELF” so that I can be transparent and healthy. My secrets keep “ME” sick and they also keep “ME” visible. When I harbor them, people can see “ME”. Old agreements, character defects, and habits (all the “ME”) can be seen abundantly clear.

So how do I know if my recovery process is working? “You Can’t See ME”! If I have worked my steps and continue to work them, the “SELF” that the universe revolves around disappears. I become a conduit of God’s light. I am transparent. YOU CAN’T SEE ME! There is a re-placement that takes place. “ME” goes away and “HE” shows up.

So what a great catch phrase for those of us in recovery. We need to wake up every morning and tell the world and ourselves “YOU CAN’T SEE ME”! 

FEELINGS: Defined as, “Opinion based more on emotion than reason.” 

Emotions: Defined as, “A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.”

FAITH: Defined as, “Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”

Principle: Defined as “A fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning.”

In recovery these 4 words play a huge role in people’s success and failure. If you sit listening in a meeting, listening to a sponsee, or listening to yourself for any length of time you are guaranteed to hear a statement like, “I feel like” or “I just don’t feel like” or “She/He makes me feel” or “I felt like”. FEEL-FEEL-FEEL!

Referring back to the simple definitions we can discover a simple solution for a complicated problem. Our feelings are based on emotion.  Our emotional response is instinctive based on a state of mind that is derived from our circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.

Question: How many of you would say that in your recovery your circumstances are always great? How many of you would say that you are always in a great mood? How many of you would say your relationships are always fantastic?

If you are an addict like me the answers are obvious. My circumstances can be challenging, to say the least. My moods can be like a yoyo, up and down. My relationships can be either nonexistent or extremely damaged at times. So if my emotions are distressed due to conditions, my feelings will reflect that negative perspective, correct? So, how can I ever expect my future to be better than my present if I am basing my decisions and outlook on a emotion created by my false perception of my conditions?

I am setting myself up for failure every time. Feelings are a response to a stimulant. If I stimulate them one way, so they will go and if I stimulate them another way, there they will follow. The kicker is in either direction my reality is not conditional upon my feelings. My reality is conditional upon my actions.

So if I want to change my reality, or at least deal with it accurately I must come to conclusions and decisions with a different formula than, Event + Feelings + Faith = Negative Loss

.

So what do we do? Stay in this crazy town called “Feelingsville”?

Not if we want progress, sanity and happiness.

So how does this Faith thing play a role?

Here is the thing, we use faith no matter what formula we decide to enact. The problem is that most of us put faith in our feelings verse faith in something of substance.  This is where the definition of principle comes into focus.

A principle is a foundational truth that we can stand upon. If we exercise faith in this area it is objective and concrete. Our feelings are irrelevant because we trust and have confidence in this principle.  It’s like math, 2+2=4. This is not an emotional conclusion. We know and trust that if you take 2 and add 2 to it we will have 4. Why, because others have tested and proven this to be so.

Using Biblical recovery principles in our recovery is no different. Others have tested them, used them, and have had success with them.  They are something we can have confident trust in and more importantly, confidence and trust in the Creator of them.  Our formula becomes, Event + principle +faith = positive gain

So the next time you find yourself getting all “FEELY, FELT, FEELY”, take a deep breath and remember that:

Faith=> Principle=>Purpose=>Vision=>Increase

In recovery unrealistic expectations can be dangerous. We can get our “little” lives all planned out just the way we want them and set ourselves up for a huge letdown. It is a wonderful form of using false control to project ourselves into a place of self sabotage and disappointment.

Here are a few things I have learned about expectations:

1.     Unrealistic Expectations are my desires that turn into demands.

2.     Unrealistic Expectations can cause me to wait on what I truly desire. (The  more I expect the longer I may wait.)

3.     Unrealistic Expectations can breed anger, resentment, bitterness, brokenness & isolation. (The longer I wait on a desire the angrier & lonlier I become.)

4.     Unrealistic Expectations limit me to what I can think of verses what God can do.

5.     Unrealistic Expectations can cause me to U-turn (make a 180 off track).

6.     Unrealistic Expectations can cause me to leave and lose the things I love most when I become more committed to my expectation than what I truly love.

7.     Unrealistic Expectations are just premeditated resentments.   

8.     Unrealistic Expectations are serenity robbers. They kill gratitude, joy, peace, patience, and kindness.

9.     What I expect can ruin what I receive. It can ruin my relationship others.

10. Receiving God’s blessings kills expectations.

11. Humility, Openness, Honesty, Willingness, and Serving others prevent unrealistic expectations.

12. I can gage my expectations by my response to the unexpected.

A wise man knows that the reason for his anger is not the failure of others but due to his unrealistic expectations of others. The starting line to the happiness you’ve always dreamt of is the killing of your own expectations. Don’t try to figure everything out.

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.  “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”